丸の内OL100人に聞いた「抱かれたいサッカー評論家は誰？！」の見事第1位に輝いたフェルチオH後(ふぇるちおえっちご)です。
(架空のアンケートであり妄想です)
※●ルジオ越後氏とは全く関係ありません。
んちゃ！！
皆さん、元気にSUCKERしてますか？！
先日、我らがサッカー日本代表、森保JAPANが決勝トーナメントベスト16で強敵サウジアラビア代表と対戦しました。
結果は皆さんご存知の通りですが、かろうじて何とか勝ったという試合内容でした。苦しみながらも勝利に拘ったことが１‐０という結果になったのではないでしょうか。
しかし、はっきり言って私は試合内容に全く満足していません。相手を圧倒してこそ王者なのです。他国が何も言えなくらるぐらい圧倒してアジアカップを制しなければいけないのです。
日本代表が世界強豪国の仲間入りするために、私はライバル国や各国の有力選手たち、そして今の日本代表にフィットする戦術等を日々分析しています。実は、そのデータを日本代表に落とし込み、シミュレーションしたのですが、今回のサウジアラビア戦は見事に私の予想どおりの結果となりました。
ですので、内容こそ満足できなかったのですが、1‐0という結果はなるべくしてなった結果であると私は驚きもしませんでした。
今回は、なぜ私が苦戦しつつも1‐0で日本代表が勝利することを予想できたのかお伝えしたいと思います。
いざっ！！
[toc]
日本代表 vs サウジアラビア代表のフェルチオ的総括
まずはじめに断っておかなければいけないのですが、1‐0で日本代表の勝利を予想したと言いましたが、結果論ではあります。それを前提にお話しさせて頂きます。
試合内容をわかりやすく数字で説明すると、まずボール保持率です。なんと、勝利した日本代表が「23.7％」で、サウジアラビア代表が「76.3％」だったのです。
そして、シュート数が日本代表「5本」に対してサウジアラビアが「15本」でした。
これがどれほど凄い数字なのかと聞かれても、正直私はスローイン時に足を上げたらファールになってしまうことを最近知ったぐらいにサッカー音痴なので全くピンと来ないのですが、おそらくこのようなことではないのかなと想像できたので説明したいと思います。
私は風俗店の姫をプライベートで誘うことは滅多にないのですが、それでも過去30人ぐらいに声をかけたことがあります。
もちろん1回目で誘うことはしません。5～６回通って、そろそろ良いかなぁ～というタイミングで声をかけてきました。
今度カラオケでも行ってニャンニャンしようよ～
しかし、帰ってくる返事はいつも同じ。
表面上は良いことを言って男のプライドを傷つけることはないのですが、上手くかわされる感じなのです。
最初の5人ぐらいまでは、次こそイケる、今度こそイケる・・・、と頑張っていたのですが、さすがに10人を超えたぐらいで気付きました。
「下手な鉄砲数撃ちゃ当たる」というのは迷信なのか・・・？
そう思いつつも、なんとかプライベートで1点決めたい私は焦ってしまったのでしょう、とにかく声をかけまくりました。部屋から退出して別れの階段を降りきったところで、姫から名刺を渡される時に、「とにかくデートしよ、デート！！」
もちろん良い返事が返ってくることはありませんでした。結局、私は一度もプライベートに誘い出して姫と試合をすることは未だできていません。
そんな中、私の会社の真面目な上司が、昨年末に風俗デビューしました。12月の忘年会後、私と後輩K原(仮名)で、その真面目な上司I川(仮名)を川崎のホームタウンに連れて行きました。
上司I川はじめて体験した夢のようなプレイにどっぷりハマってしまい、今年に入って「また連れて行ってよ～」と言ってきました。
しょうがないので連れて行きましたが、また先週誘ってきたのです。私は給料日前だからもうお金が無いと伝えると、自分一人で行くと言って、はじめてのおつかいならぬ、「はじめての風俗」ということで独り立ちして川崎に向かいました。
次の日、上司I川に「昨日もハッスルしたんですか？！」と聞いてみると、ニヤリとしていました。
これはまた近いうちに行くなと思っていましたが、どうやらそれからも2回行ったというのです。
しかし、昨日になって驚愕の事実が判明しました！！
なんと、上司I川は、性病をゲットしてしまったのです！！
えっ、まだ5回程度しか風俗行ってないですよね？！それでもう性病ゲットしちゃったのですか？！
運が悪いとしか言えませんが、回数少なくても当たると時は当たるもんなんですね。
私は数撃っても姫をプライベートに誘い出すことはできず、上司I川は、わずか5戦目にして性病をゲットしてしまう。
・・・・・・・・・・・、
ナ、ナナミーーーーーーー！！
えっと、何の話でしたっけ？！
ちょっと何言ってるか自分でもわからなくなりましたが、シュートが少ないながらも確実に1点決めた日本代表、そして嵐のようにシュートを放ちながら1点も奪えなかったサウジアラビア代表。
サッカーは何が起こるかはわからないということはこういうことなのでしょうか・・・？
サッカーって怖いですね・・・。
次戦ベトナム代表も絶対勝利を日本代表！！
サッカー評論家：フェルチオH後(ふぇるちおえっちご)は、サッカー日本代表を応援します。
日本代表 vs サウジアラビア代表の試合結果
【日時】2019.1.21(月)
【会場】シャールジャスタジアム
【結果】日本代表 1-0 サウジアラビア代表
【得点者】20分：冨安健洋
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